Does Time Out Really Work?
When a child has engaged in behavior that a parent or caregiver deems to be unacceptable, he or she is often sequestered to time out. This consequence is doled out in heavy doses during the preschool years, and often results in tears shed and tantrums thrown. However, is time out really effective in changing the way that your child behaves? Does this consequence serve to teach your little one the lesson that you are hoping to teach? And more importantly, is time out preparing your child to problem solve independently?
As we seek to parent more effectively, we must examine the alternatives to time out. This is where preventative discipline comes into play. As parents and caregivers, we owe it to our little ones to thoughtfully navigate this season of sass by thinking ahead. This preventative approach requires a significant, up-front investment of time spent planning and thinking things through, however, it pays off in spades by setting your child up to make the proper decisions down the line. Here are 4 ways that you can use preventative discipline to help your child succeed in social settings.
engage in active listening
Oftentimes, a child will act out in order to gain your attention. Make it a habit to listen to your little one and to acknowledge her needs and thoughts. At times, she may be trying to express that she is hungry, tired, anxious, or scared. When these emotions go unheard, you may be heading for a meltdown, tantrum or aggressive behavior which is sure to get your full attention.
be the narrator
Help your little one and those around him understand what is happening. Narrate his behavior and vocalize his thoughts. If you see your child getting nervous about something, put those feelings into words for him and others. Say, “It’s pretty loud in here, isn’t it? Do you hear all of that noise?” By narrating your child’s emotions, you are helping to build emotional intelligence and self-awareness. Talk through your own emotions, as well. Show your child that you also experience emotions such as frustration, happiness, and sadness.
role play and problem solve
Watch your children and let them watch you. Role play with other adults, and demonstrate how you handle situations that may make you frustrated or angry. Pretend to bump into your friend, and allow your little one to see how you may have hurt your friend and what you can do to make it better. Let your child see you disagree with your spouse, and how you still love one another and are still able to “play” together.
Then, watch your children. Look for moments to reinforce the ideas that you’ve been exploring. As your little one plays with others, encourage her to express her emotions in a positive way. Tell her that she should ask for a turn on the swings, if that is what she wants. It may be helpful to warn your child that her friends may not always respond the way she wants them to, and that’s ok.
Remember that kids need to learn to problem solve, so be careful not to rob them of a learning opportunity. When two children are tugging at a toy, encourage them to communicate and to come to a resolution on their own. Resist the urge to intervene immediately by taking the toy away, as this removes the opportunity to learn about conflict resolution in a safe, supervised environment. When your child is close to touching a loose cabinet, avoid yelling “Don’t touch that!” and instead ask, “That cabinet looks like it may be loose, do you see that? What can we do about that?” You may be surprised at how insightful your little one is!
size up the situation
Set yourself up for success. Avoid taking a tired, hungry or cranky child to a playdate or on a shopping excursion. Remain vigilant and notice when things start to get sticky. As you notice that your child needs a break from playing, take him aside and walk and talk. Ask him about the flowers growing near the park, the clouds in the sky, and which friends he is playing with. This break may reset his mindset and allow the playdate to continue as planned. However, there are times that tantrums take over, and require that you use extraordinary measures to get back to the car and buckled in. When you see that your child has reached the point of no return, you may just need to pick him up and say, “We are going home now, we can come back another time.”
Nothing is easy at first; lasting solutions require more thinking, talking, and reflecting. Immediate solutions are not lasting solutions, and are often just bandages that must be ripped off later. Our goal is to create independent thinkers who are problem solvers and can navigate their day without needing mom or dad to tell them what not to touch and how to play nicely with friends. Do not assume that your child knows what’s coming next. Explain more than you need to, narrate his or her feelings, and attune yourself to your little ones needs and emotions.